Interpersonal relationships are what keep our soul alive. We are designed to interact and develop beautiful feelings towards the people around us and that is fantastic, but what happens when our relationships are not as we would like and we feel more low feelings than beneficial feelings?
What is possessiveness?
You probably know what it is, there's no need for me to explain it to you, but I'd like to see what it means from a psychological point of view.
If you fall into this category, you probably already know how it feels: you get angry very easily when your loved one doesn't give you evidence, when you don't know what they're doing or why they're doing certain things, and you have a deep feeling that you have to keep them under observation all the time. In most cases, possessiveness or jealousy is based on fear.
Causes of possessiveness
Its causes can be complex and varied depending on each personality and individual past experiences, but at its core it may be a combination of psychological, social, or cultural factors.
Uncertainty
People with low self-esteem are more likely to fall prey to this unhealthy program.
Self-esteem in most cases, if not all, is built at home by parents or legal guardians, let's call them that. If in your family environment you were validated and appreciated only for your efforts, you most likely built a belief that goes something like this: "Mom only loves me when I do good things, that means if I do things, Mom loves me."
You've learned that your parents only love you for what you do, not for who you are, so you'll build your self-image based on what your parents like.
What we don't realize most of the time is that we don't know ourselves well enough and self-confidence is completely lacking because you are not your true self, you are just the projection of the perfect child that your parents want.
The wound of abandonment
I have discussed this topic in other articles such as – The Wound of Abandonment in Relationships (barbatulsuperior.ro)
but to emphasize a few ideas here, let's review the following: the parents or one of the parents was away in another country or was close to you but worked a lot and was absent emotionally, not necessarily physically, but you felt abandoned. We won't mention cases where one of the parents disappears without a "trace", I think it goes without saying here.
In most cases of this kind, your mind interpreted the following: "if he left, it means something is wrong with me, that I did something wrong", this belief will be established and throughout your life you will unconsciously seek to find the answer to this question, how?
You will get involved in all kinds of interpersonal relationships that will prove to you that there is nothing "wrong" with you, to prove to yourself that he didn't leave because of you, if you are lucky you can find a partner with a secure attachment who will unconsciously heal you.
If you are not this lucky, because we choose people at the same frequency as we do, you will attract people with exactly the same wounds as yours and you will trigger each other through: power games, betrayals, abandonment (i.e. breakup) and much more.
In many cases, the wound of abandonment can develop into an anxious attachment, and not only that, but what you will do if you find yourself in this case will be to watch your partner so that you can anticipate a possible breakup or betrayal, and from here that series of behaviors specific to jealousy and possessiveness will begin.
Jealousy
It can also be a component of possessiveness, although what differentiates them are the following:
Jealousy It sounds something like "I have to be careful that someone else doesn't take what I love from me", this is where the wound of betrayal lies.
Possessiveness sounds something like "I have to be careful not to let what I love slip away or go away", this is where the wound of abandonment lies.
Their common element is one, namely that the loved one does not disappear, if they disappear, pain and loss occur. To avoid this loss that you have experienced before, you will do everything you can to be alert and all your energy will go there, but let me ask you something, when will you enjoy the relationship and love in the present if you are so busy anticipating the future?
If you want to solve this, you will need to be honest with yourself when answering the question above, but do you know what the good part is? The good part is that when you answer yourself honestly, you will take steps and seek help in this regard, and this for you is the first step towards healing!
Control
This is also a component like the above. Restlessness, anxiety, basically the fear at the base of them leads us to this behavior. It is possible that at some point in your life you have tried this strategy to protect yourself from pain and it worked for you, but it is not a healthy way for you or for the person next to you.
It is unhealthy for you because you will be on constant alert, your entire physical and mental being subjected to great and constant stress.
Imagine a socket that receives more current than it can handle, at some point it will fail, right? Well, that will happen to you at some point too but your failure can represent an avalanche of anger at your partner for the “possible” reasons or if you keep it inside, you will somatize. Somatization is the process by which our unexpressed emotions end up affecting our physical body.
Betrayal from the past
This is where the details of the problem get a little complicated and I'll explain why.
What do we do in a situation where your partner has betrayed you in the past but you have chosen to forgive him? Here the situation is more delicate because the betrayal existed, therefore he has shown you that he is capable of this. Here we are not talking about impressions from past relationships, it is here in the present. In such situations what is essential for you to understand is that you need time.
Time for you to review your feelings and what you want to do next, and time for your partner to see why they did this, if they want to continue, etc.
Of course, if you choose to continue the relationship, it won't be the same, it could be worse or it could be better, because in my relationship with my partner this happened. I betrayed her, I understood what I put her through and that experience made us both understand differently the concept of relationship, trust, loyalty, freedom, honesty, attachment.
It wasn't easy, it was damn hard, with the same story on repeat for a year and a half, but what helped us was the fact that we both wanted to heal both the relationship and ourselves. We started going to couples therapy, individual therapy, we looked for new ways to understand and love each other, and not with fear but with trust! I wish that for you too!
How to recognize possessiveness in a relationship?
Recognizing possessiveness in a relationship is essential to maintaining a healthy balance between partners. Possessiveness may initially seem like a sign of caring and affection, but it can become toxic and suffocating if it gets out of control. Here are some signs that may indicate possessiveness in a relationship:
1. Control over your time
- Your partner wants to know where you are, who you're with, and what you're doing all the time. If they insist on you reporting every detail of your day and get irritated when you don't respond right away, this could be a sign of possessiveness.
2. Isolation from friends and family
- Possessiveness can include attempts to distance yourself from friends and family. Your partner may feel threatened by those close to you and try to reduce your contact with them.
3. Extreme jealousy
- A possessive partner can display excessive jealousy towards anyone you interact with, whether it's friends, co-workers, or even family members. This can lead to unfounded accusations and frequent conflicts.
4. Control over your decisions
- If your partner tries to control your decisions, from the smallest details (what to wear, what to eat) to bigger choices (career, housing), this is a clear sign of possessiveness.
5. Constant checking
- Your partner may check your phone, messages, or social media accounts without your permission, justifying this behavior by the need to “protect” the relationship. This is an invasion of privacy behavior and a clear sign of distrust.
6. Emotional manipulation
- A possessive partner may resort to emotional manipulation to make you feel guilty when you don't give them your full attention or meet their demands. This can include frequent complaints, victimization, or even subtle threats.
7. Excessive emotional dependence
- Possessiveness can occur when your partner relies solely on you for their happiness and emotional well-being, refusing to accept your independence or develop their own interests and friendships.
8. Unrealistic expectations
- Your partner may have unrealistic expectations about how much time and attention you should give them, believing that everything else (work, hobbies, friends) should take a back seat.
9. Aggressive reactions to your independence
- Any attempt to express your independence or do things on your own can trigger negative reactions, such as anger, frustration, or even threats from your partner.
10. Disrespect for personal boundaries
- A possessive partner may ignore or reject your personal boundaries, insisting on being involved in all aspects of your life and refusing to give you space or privacy.
What to do if you recognize the signs of possessiveness?
If you recognize signs of possessiveness in your relationship, it's important to take action to protect both your emotional well-being and the health of your relationship. Here are steps you can take:
1. Reflect on the situation
- Clearly identify the signs: Recognize and accept that there are possessive behaviors in your relationship. Be honest with yourself about how these behaviors make you feel.
- Assess the impact: Think about how this possessiveness affects you in the long term. Do you feel suffocated, controlled, or anxious? It's important to understand how much it impacts your well-being.
2. Communicate openly
- Choose the right time: Find a time when you can talk calmly and without interruptions. It's important to approach the issue when you're both calm and receptive.
- Express your feelings: Talk about how you feel about possessive behaviors without being accusatory. For example, you could say, “I feel anxious when you try to control who I talk to” instead of, “You’re too possessive.”
- Listen to your partner's response.: Be prepared to listen to your partner's perspective as well. Open communication can help understand the reasons behind possessiveness.
3. Set clear boundaries
- Define your boundaries: Set clear boundaries about what you consider acceptable and what is not. For example, you might state that you need personal time or that it is important to maintain relationships with friends and family without interference.
- Be firm.: It's essential to be firm and not let your boundaries be violated. If your partner tries to ignore or overstep your boundaries, reaffirm them with respect and clarity.
4. Seek external support
- Talk to friends and family: Discuss your situation with trusted people in your close circle. They can help you see things from an objective perspective and provide you with emotional support.
- Consult a specialist: If you feel like the situation is complicated and you can't handle it on your own, a couples counselor or therapist can be a great help. They can help you navigate through relationship issues and find constructive solutions.
5. Monitor behaviors
- Track changes: After you've talked to your partner and set boundaries, notice if there are any positive changes in their behavior. Does they keep their promises? Does they try to improve the situation?
- Be careful of relapse: If possessive behaviors recur consistently, this may indicate a deeper problem that may require more drastic measures.
6. Be prepared to make difficult decisions
- Evaluate the future of the relationship: If your partner is not respecting boundaries and continues to exhibit possessive behaviors, it is important to think seriously about the future of the relationship. Is it worth staying in a relationship that is affecting your emotional health?
- Consider separation.: If the possessiveness becomes unbearable and your partner refuses to make changes, breaking up may be the healthiest option for you. It is essential to prioritize your own happiness and well-being.
7. Protect yourself
- Secure your personal life: If you feel like your partner is becoming aggressive or threatening, make sure you have a safety plan. Tell friends and family about the situation and, if necessary, take legal action to protect yourself.
- Don't isolate yourself.: In possessive relationships, it's common to feel isolated. Make sure you maintain contact with loved ones and have access to outside resources, such as support groups or abuse hotlines.
Quotes about jealousy and possessiveness
Here are some quotes about jealousy and possessiveness:
- William Shakespeare: "Jealousy is a green-eyed monster that feeds on those who are jealous."
- Friedrich Nietzsche: "Jealousy is a form of revenge against those who are not as unhappy as we are."
- Friedrich Schiller: "Jealousy is the greatest of all evils and the one that shows the least mercy."
- Ambrose Bierce: "Jealousy is a feeling that grows in us as love decreases."
- Milan Kundera: “Jealousy is the fear of comparison.”
- Baltasar Gracian: "He who envies must suffer because he was not given what he desires."
- François de La Rochefoucauld: "Envy and jealousy are the shadows that accompany virtues."
- Paulo Coelho: "Jealousy is the fear of losing what we possess."
- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry: "You do not love a being because you possess it, but because you respect its freedom."
- Erich Fromm: "Mature love says: I love you because I need you. Immature love says: I need you because I love you."
These quotes reflect different perspectives on jealousy and possessiveness in relationships.
Conclusion
It was a painful and sometimes difficult process, but you know what the greatest asset in life is? Perseverance!
That's how we got here!
If you too have unhealthy attachments, past hurts, traumatic events, or other things on your mind, don't hesitate to ask for help. It's not an easy process, but it will be worth it for a healthy and harmonious relationship.
With love,
Muammer!
