Each of us has gone through this or goes through it recurrently, as if you want to do more or take more risks but you are afraid and at the same time you would like to overcome your condition, contradictory and tiring, isn't it?
Let's see how you can overcome this inner conflict that is holding you back.
What is self-sabotage?
Self-sabotage is an accumulation of wounds, complexes, and behaviors that consciously or unconsciously surface to "protect" us from possible disappointments or even often "protect" us from achieving our goals, desires, or needs.
Why do we self-sabotage?
Some people have unhealthy learning in childhood that failure hurts, and when I say unhealthy, I don't mean protecting your child from mistakes, but being there for them when they do happen to teach them to constantly seek motivation within themselves.
It's like planting a seed. This seed is self-confidence, and you plant it in your child's soul, if you don't water it with kind words and constant encouragement, it will wither and remain that way until it grows big, but by doing so you will place the responsibility on the child to "revive" it, and I think you know that a plant is easier to water than to treat.
Self-esteem is very important for all of us, and no matter how much you build it yourself, it's important for parents to understand that they also need to do their part of the responsibility.
This is how beliefs like "I'm not good enough", "I'll never succeed", "I don't deserve", "the world is a dangerous place" can arise, which can be the reasons why you self-sabotage.
Other reasons could be fear of failure or fear of success. Some people develop this fear that they will receive power and not know how to handle it or that they will harm those around them with it.
How does self-sabotage manifest itself? – Signs that you are self-sabotaging
Procrastination is the tendency to repeatedly put off tasks even though you consciously know you need to do them but emotionally you don't feel like you want to face them. The problem is that at some point they will pile up so much that you won't be able to cope with them anymore and you will start to feel guilty, your fear will increase and they will overwhelm you emotionally.
Self-criticism fuels self-doubt and reveals beliefs or patterns that don't help us at all but remain unresolved.
Comparison can also have its origins in childhood. Perhaps you too have experienced as a child your parents reminding you that other children are doing better, “Why did X get a 9 or 10 and you got an 8?” Some children may react ambitiously to their parents’ criticism or comparisons, but other children may resign themselves to it.
Perfectionism It can make your path to success more difficult and can also be a method of self-sabotage.
When this part of you is activated, you seek to do things as well as possible, but there is a possibility that you will get lost in small details and miss deadlines or consume so much of your energy with them that you will no longer have any left to complete the project.
On the relationship side, sabotage can be a little different because the ultimate goal or success no longer consists of something tangible, it consists of certain feelings and experiences.
Because of childhood wounds or unhealthy behaviors and attachments, we tend to neglect happiness and turn to what is familiar to us. For example, if you have experienced a lot of conflict in the home or aggression, perhaps verbal or even physical, logically and rationally you will want to have a peaceful family of your own.
One of the laws of the universe goes something like this: "you don't attract what you want, you attract what you are." Therefore, no matter how much you want to "run away" from your past, it comes and shows you what you need to heal in order to fully enjoy your relationship and happiness, and if I've piqued your curiosity with what I've said, we have an entire article about the laws of the Universe that I believe will help you on a higher level.
Neglecting your health can also be a more subtle form of self-sabotage, it can come from a trans-generational program that you will need to pay attention to so that it does not reach your children.
Such "inherited" programs may include diseases, addictions or dependencies to food, alcohol, substances, gambling, shopping, sex, pornography, aggression and violence.
Self-sabotage mechanisms
Self-sabotage mechanisms can be complex and vary from person to person, but they are usually based on fears, doubts, or limiting beliefs.
1. Perfectionism
Perfectionism can lead to procrastination or avoidance because a person may feel like they can't start or complete a project unless they are certain it will be perfect. This desire for perfection can block progress and lead to postponing or even abandoning goals.
2. Procrastination
Constantly putting off important tasks is another self-sabotaging mechanism. This can be caused by fear of failure, lack of motivation, or feelings of being overwhelmed. Often, procrastination is a way to avoid discomfort.
3. Excessive self-criticism
People who self-sabotage tend to be very critical of themselves. This negative inner voice can undermine self-confidence and hinder progress. Excessive self-criticism can lead to a distorted view of one's abilities and a decrease in self-esteem.
4. Fear of success
The fear of success may seem paradoxical, but it is real for many people. Success often comes with increased responsibilities and additional pressures, and some people may feel unprepared to handle these new challenges.
5. Sabotaging relationships
Self-sabotage can also occur in relationships, when a person consciously or unconsciously undermines their connections with others. This can include behaviors such as emotional distancing, constantly testing their partner, or even provoking conflict to test the other person's loyalty.
6. Setting unrealistic expectations
People who self-sabotage may set unrealistically high goals or impossible expectations for themselves. When they inevitably fail to achieve these goals, they confirm their negative thoughts about themselves and use the failure as evidence of their incompetence.
7. Dependence on external validation
People who self-sabotage may be overly dependent on validation from others. This can lead to them sacrificing their own needs and desires in favor of the expectations of others, which can hinder personal growth.
8. Postponing decisions
The need to make perfect decisions or the fear of making the wrong choice can lead to postponing important decisions. This can hinder progress and lead to missed opportunities.
How to manage self-sabotage:
- Awareness is the first step. Recognizing these behavioral patterns is essential to begin changing them.
- Seek support: Therapy, coaching, or discussions with close friends can help identify and overcome these behaviors.
- Set realistic goals and break them down into small, manageable steps.
- Practice self-compassion: Learn to be gentle with yourself and accept that you are not perfect, but you can learn and grow from your mistakes.
Managing self-sabotage is an ongoing process, but with patience and practice, you can overcome these patterns and make progress toward your goals.
How can we overcome self-sabotage?
This process takes time and effort, but I believe that if you are here, it means you are also ready to take on what you have to heal.
The first step in any therapeutic process is awareness of the problem, because if you don't think you have a problem, 100 people can come and tell you otherwise, it won't matter to you.
Identify the potential causes of your self-sabotage and what the triggers are. Grab a pen and paper, write down everything that comes to mind about it, and write it down. It doesn't matter what you write, the important thing is to take it to your therapist, who will know what the real factors are and what are just your mind's reasons for messing with you.
Work a little with those limiting beliefs and strive to change negative thoughts into positive ones, you have 7 seconds to change a thought before it is stored in the subconscious.
Set realistic and achievable goals, this can also help you a lot with your self-esteem. If you prove to yourself that you can face challenges, you will also build solid self-esteem but at the same time you will get closer to your goal more easily, see? Two birds with one stone, haha.
Let's not forget that small attentions are also very important. Celebrate small successes to give your mind and spirit the satisfaction that it is not working in vain. For example, "today I achieved x thing, for this I will reward myself with an ice cream, or a lollipop, etc." It does not matter the size of the prize, what matters is that you reward yourself to keep yourself motivated.
Last but not least, a great help comes from the therapist, why? Let me explain.
Many say that you just go to give money, they listen to you and that's it, I think those who say this are also those who have never been to such a meeting in their life.
Your mind has an extraordinary talent for fooling you. Yes, you heard right, that's why so many therapists change tactics at some point. And that's also related to self-sabotage, what a coincidence.
To protect you from those childhood pains, the mind will prevent you from getting there, as it often does in the process of forgetting after a trauma. In order for it to protect you, it takes you down the wrong track by giving you thoughts that are not exactly related to what you are looking for, which is why we need a therapist.
He has studied and learned these little tricks of your mind so that when you go to therapy he will know which information is consistent with what you are working on and which is just a distraction.
In addition, precisely because your mind holds the healing process in place, working with a therapist will be much easier and faster.
Conclusion
There are feelings, behaviors, gestures that maybe sometimes we can't manage or do without wanting to, but I think that more important should be your health, both mental and physical, not what the world says. The world will always say what it wants but you know what? It's NOT your responsibility, it's theirs!
Everyone in this world is responsible and accountable for their deeds, words, and actions, and not to anyone, but to God!
Now I would ask you this: How much longer do you want to stay in your mind's games instead of taking action and healing?
Have you experienced self-sabotage? Write in the comments how you overcame it!
See also: Cognitive Dissonance
With love,
Muammer!
