This emotion is a complex and often unpleasant one that manifests itself when we compare our achievements, behaviors, or even personality with those of others.
What is envy?
Envy has been felt for thousands of years and by thousands of people, but that's not the real problem, it's how we manage it because it can be both beneficial and devastating.
Most of the time, envy can also give rise to other emotions such as shame, frustration, anger, and other destructive emotions.
Depending on each person's emotional intelligence, this can be bad or good.
The bad one is the one that clouds our judgment and appears when we consider that we deserve that thing more than the person who owns it. It is the one that gives rise to a strong internal conflict and a series of difficult-to-manage emotions that in the short term but even in the long term block us in our daily routine. If you pay so much attention to what the other has, you will not have time to work on your goals. Where your attention is, your energy is also.
It's like you have an internal storm that brings a power outage to your mind, you're in the dark, right? Most likely, until it stops, you'll need to look for a flashlight or a candle.
Like other emotions, it somatizes in the physical body and over time can turn into pain or even illness.
What are the causes of envy?
We socially compare ourselves to others. We notice the achievements, possessions, or qualities of those around us and focus on what they have that we don't, without also seeing the things we have accomplished. In this way, we give personal power outside of ourselves.
To mask their feelings of inferiority, people may try to compensate by getting what others have. This desire can become a powerful source of envy because it focuses on what is missing rather than on their own strengths.
People with an inferiority complex may fear failure and rejection. Envy can allow them to project their own fears onto others, thereby explaining to themselves why they are not successful. This can be a reaction to the fear of not succeeding or not being good enough. By focusing on the flaws of others, we can avoid facing our own insecurities.
This emotion can be fueled by an intense desire to have what we see in others. This desire can be related to various aspects of life such as professional success, personal relationships, or material possessions.
Insecurity in oneself can give rise to this feeling because one perceives that one will no longer be validated or loved if one does not do more than the other.
Social media is where this feeling is “at home”. In trying to show others how well we are doing or how happy we are we can generate a lot of envy around us. But I think this state is familiar to you too when you scroll through your phone and see what car X bought or what vacation Y went on.
Envy and emotional wounds
It's like an unhealed wound leaving a deep, sensitive scar. When we see someone else achieve something we want but were denied in the past, that wound can reopen, causing pain and envy.
The wound of rejection is established when you were rejected or marginalized by those close to you as a child. You will develop this fear in your adult life and consciously or unconsciously, you will feel this emotion when you see others being accepted more easily.
The wound of injustice can be established in an environment where differences were made between children or where resources were divided unequally. For example, you always had to give up toys and not only in front of your younger brother, because you were older so your parents expected you to be more understanding. Thus, you can carry this wound into adult life and this feeling will appear when another receives more than you receive.
The wound of abandonment occurs when you have suffered an early loss. If the person is very close, the child will develop anxiety at the thought of loss, of any kind, and in adult life this fear will prevent him from engaging in healthy relationships. He may envy people who have healthy and harmonious relationships because at heart this is their greatest desire.
How do we manage envy in general?
When you feel this emotion you have 7 seconds to shift your focus from the things you don't have to what you do have or have achieved. This way you learn to practice gratitude and shift all your attention and energy to the important things. By doing this you will stop that low intensity state with joy, happiness, gratitude therefore you will raise your energetic vibration.
Increase your self-esteem. Your strengths and your weaknesses need to be recognized in order to be in acceptance with yourself. If you believe that something is not as you would like, learn or look for ways to develop that skill, this way you also develop your self-confidence.
Focus on your goals and instead of comparing yourself to others, let yourself be inspired by them. If you have a goal that someone else has achieved before you, see what they did to achieve it and get inspired.
Build authentic relationships based on mutual support. It's easier when you have allies than when you're alone against others.
“Learn to be humble because that way you will have more to gain. The better you know yourself, the more modest you will be and the more confident you will be in your own abilities.” -Samuel Smiles
Seek help from a therapist or coach if you feel like you can't control this emotion. It's okay to have wounds, triggers, and it's normal, everyone has them, some may not show them but that doesn't mean they don't affect them. Learn to build trust and seek specialized help so that your interactions and life are more balanced.
How does envy affect our career?
Envy can have a significant impact on our careers, influencing both professional relationships and personal performance. Here are some ways envy can affect our careers:
1. Decreased motivation and productivity
- When we constantly compare ourselves to colleagues who seem to be more successful, we can end up feeling discouraged and demotivated. This can reduce our productivity levels and negatively affect our performance at work.
2. Strained relationships with colleagues
- Envy can lead to strained relationships or even conflicts with colleagues. Mistrust and resentment can hinder effective collaboration and damage the work atmosphere, affecting both the team and individual progress.
3. Unethical behaviors
- In an attempt to outdo the person we envy, some people may resort to unethical behaviors such as sabotage, gossip, or manipulation. These actions can damage professional reputations and lead to sanctions or job loss.
4. Stress and exhaustion
- Envy can generate high levels of stress, which in the long run can lead to burnout and mental health problems. Chronic stress affects the ability to make good decisions and can reduce creativity and problem-solving skills.
5. Impeding personal development
- Instead of focusing on developing our own skills and continuously improving, envy can cause us to focus too much on others. This can lead to professional stagnation as we neglect to develop our own skills and reach our potential.
6. Reduced job satisfaction
- When we are envious, our job satisfaction decreases because we focus more on what we lack than what we have. This dissatisfaction can lead to a negative attitude towards the job and a greater desire to change jobs.
How does envy affect our relationship?
Envy can have a profound impact on a couple's relationship, affecting both the emotional dynamics between partners and the overall stability of the relationship. Here's how envy can influence a couple's relationship:
1. Erosion of trust
- Envy can erode trust between partners. If one partner feels envious of the success, happiness, or other positive aspects of the other's life, it can lead to resentment and suspicion. Over time, this lack of trust can damage the relationship.
2. Increasing conflicts
- Envy can amplify conflict and tension in a relationship. The envious partner may become irritable or distant, and these feelings can trigger frequent arguments, especially if the other partner does not understand the source of the dissatisfaction.
3. Decreased emotional intimacy
- Healthy relationships are built on a deep emotional connection. Envy can create emotional barriers, reducing intimacy and preventing open and honest communication. The jealous partner may become more withdrawn or less willing to share their feelings.
4. Devaluation of the partner
- When one partner is jealous, they may end up devaluing the other, either through constant criticism or ignoring their achievements. This behavior can diminish the partner's self-esteem and create an atmosphere of dissatisfaction and disapproval.
5. Unbalanced power dynamics
- Envy can create a power imbalance in a relationship. For example, if one partner is more successful professionally or socially, the other may feel like they are losing control or influence in the relationship, which can lead to passive-aggressive behaviors or attempts to compensate for this imbalance through other means.
6. Isolation and distancing
- The jealous partner may begin to isolate themselves, avoiding shared activities or refusing to share in the other's successes. This emotional and physical distancing can lead to a rift in the relationship and eventual separation.
7. Undermining mutual support
- Ideally, partners should support each other in their accomplishments and difficulties. Envy can undermine this support, making the envious partner less willing to offer support or even hostile at times when the other needs encouragement and support.
8. Creating a negative atmosphere
- Envy can lead to a general atmosphere of negativity in the relationship. Partners can end up focusing more on their shortcomings or what they don't have, instead of appreciating what they have together, which can make the relationship unsatisfying and frustrating for both partners.
How can envy be managed in a relationship or career?
Managing envy, whether in a relationship or in your career, requires awareness, communication, and the development of positive strategies. Here are some ways to effectively manage envy:
1. Awareness and recognition of envy
- As a couple: It's important to acknowledge feelings of envy and accept them without judging yourself too harshly. Understanding that envy is a common human emotion is the first step toward managing it.
- In career: Realize that envy of your peers can stem from insecurity or fear of failure. Recognizing these feelings can help you control them and turn them into motivation.
2. Open communication
- As a couple: Talk openly with your partner about your feelings. An honest conversation can reduce tension and help clear up misunderstandings. It's important to express how you feel without blaming the other person.
- In career: If you feel envy towards a colleague, openly discuss your achievements and efforts with your superiors or close colleagues. Sometimes, simply acknowledging what you feel can reduce the intensity of the envy.
3. Focus on personal development
- As a couple: Instead of focusing on your partner's achievements or happiness, focus on your own personal development. Work on your skills and interests so that you feel fulfilled and confident.
- In career: Identify areas where you can improve and work towards achieving your professional goals. Instead of constantly comparing yourself to others, focus on your own growth and success.
4. Cultivating empathy and gratitude
- As a couple: Learn to genuinely enjoy your partner's successes and express gratitude for what you have together. Empathy for your partner can help you see things from their perspective and reduce envy.
- In career: Try to see your colleagues' successes as a source of inspiration, not as a threat. Recognize and appreciate your own achievements, no matter how small they may seem.
5. Developing a growth mindset
- As a couple: Instead of comparing yourself to your partner, try to see your relationship as an opportunity to grow together. A growth mindset can help you focus on personal and shared evolution, not competition.
- In career: Adopt a growth mindset, where you learn from the successes and failures of others, instead of being consumed by envy. Consider that everyone has a different journey and that you can learn from the experiences of others.
6. Setting healthy boundaries
- As a couple: If you feel that envy is becoming overwhelming, it is important to set healthy boundaries, such as spending time alone to regain your emotional balance or avoiding situations that amplify these feelings.
- In career: Avoid getting too involved in constant comparisons with your colleagues. Instead, focus on your own work and how you can contribute to the team and your personal goals.
7. Searching for external media
- As a couple: If envy becomes a major obstacle in your relationship, it might be helpful to consult a couples therapist, who can help you manage these emotions in a constructive way.
- In career: You can seek support from a mentor or professional counselor, who can guide you in managing feelings of envy and help you redefine your professional goals.
Quotes about envy and gossip
Envy:
- "Envy is the art of counting another's blessings instead of your own." — Harold Coffin
- "Envy is a waste of time, because it doesn't bring you anything extra, it only steals your peace of mind." — Anatole France
- "Envy is a confession of weakness." — Ralph Waldo Emerson
Gossip:
- "Gossip is like counterfeit money: it often passes from hand to hand before it is discovered." — Diane de Poitiers
- "Gossip is just a way to waste your precious time with useless things." — Mary Ann Shaffer
- "Those who gossip spend their lives focusing on what others are doing, neglecting their own development." — Will Rogers
Conclusion
Envy is a deep human emotion that can arise when we feel like we lack something that others have. It can be a signal of our own insecurities and dissatisfactions. However, instead of wallowing in envy, we can choose to use it as an opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth. When we focus on our own achievements and what we can improve in our lives, it can turn into a positive motivation that pushes us to develop and fulfill our potential.
With love,
Muammer!
