Anger, what a complex emotion.
We've all felt anger at some point in our lives, and if there's someone who comes to me and tells me they don't know what anger means or what it feels like, they're either a notorious liar or they eat mushrooms en masse, and I think you've realized from the first two lines that I'm feeling the same anger right now, what a "coincidence" right?
What is anger?
To define it for those who say "I'm never angry, I'm just zen and unicorns", anger is a state of extreme anxiety and agitation, it's a strong emotion that we feel when we perceive a threat to our personality.
Causes from which the emotion of anger can arise?
High stress level
When we overload ourselves with too many tasks, we also expose ourselves to a lot of stress about getting them all done on time.
Maybe because you can't say "no", or your relatives need you and your help, friends ask to spend more time with you, your spouse, your children, your dog is sick and who knows how many other unpleasant situations appear in your life, not to mention that "boss" you're fed up with from Monday to Friday and who knows how he needs something from you on the weekend. Just reading these lines I think you already feel it, right?
Well, most of us don't listen to that impulse of our physical and psychological nature that tells us that it's too much, you know, that tiny voice that's been with you your whole life and guides you, but that you choose to ignore because, well, you're strong and you can do it all! Go ahead and do it now!
All kidding aside, if you don't learn to listen to your limit, it will only be hard on you!
Someone once told me “anger is the protector of our needs” and I spent some time meditating on this and it really is. If you take on more responsibilities than you can handle and don’t listen to your limits, that voice I told you about above will appear in the first instance, if you don’t do anything about it then it will convey to you emotionally through the emotion of anger that you need to stop.
If you don't listen to this trick either, well, in the end your body will take action for you and stop you from doing all the activities you "should" be doing, this stage is called somatization.
When we are the target of verbal or physical abuse
Anger doesn't only appear when someone offends us or resorts to physical violence, it also appears when someone makes statements that we perceive as offensive, for example if that boss above tells you "you weren't able to finish the report" well, after the first 4 words I think you're already starting to feel it, but that can of course depend on the person, some may feel guilty or ashamed, but that's another story.
You have already perceived from the boss's remark that "I don't consider you good enough to do that task", the emotion behind the anger could be injustice, I repeat, depending on each person's perception.
What you can do instead is to analyze what exactly is happening to you in such moments, what emotions you feel next to that anger, so you can figure out what you need to work on in therapy.
For example, if in this case there is injustice behind your anger, congratulations, you have discovered a new wound that would be good to work on, namely the wound of injustice.
The benefit in this whole process is the following, just by changing the focus from outside (from what the boss says) to inside (to what you feel), some of your anger already diminishes, because, because you pay attention to it, this is the role of our emotions, to make us pay attention to ourselves.
After you have done this little mindfulness exercise and you go to therapy and work, you will notice that in the same situation you will no longer react with anger, you will react much calmer but more firmly, why, because now you know your value so when someone tells you what you are or what you are not, it will no longer affect you.
When we experience traumatic events
When we refer to traumatic events, most people will think of serious situations, perhaps the loss of a loved one or accidents or many others, but a traumatic event can also be when, for example, your trust has been betrayed.
To break the thread a little, we will do the following imagination game.
If in childhood the girl was abandoned by her father because her parents divorced and he remarried, in addition to the obvious wound of abandonment, she may also develop a "latent" wound of betrayal, and I say latent because if the child is quite young, she may send this event to the subconscious so that it is not as painful.
Later, in a few years, she will have a boyfriend (or girlfriend, as some J call him) and he may cheat on her, well then this betrayal, hidden very well behind the curtain until that moment, will come to light.
That pain and suffering can connect her to the previous event with her father and she can make the following reasoning “if my own father did something like that and now my boyfriend has confirmed it to me then all men are the same!” much like men do with women by the way, the same expression. Of course, we are not all the same, that is what she perceives from her experiences.
From here, years will follow in which she may no longer be open to relationships, she will develop a vengeful attitude towards men, and thus a vicious circle begins that is quite difficult to get out of and requires a lot of therapy.
This is just an example and depending on each event, a single emotional wound or several can be activated, but for this I recommend our article about "The 5 Emotional Wounds" - The 5 Emotional Wounds That Prevent Us From Being Ourselves (barbatulsuperior.ro)
In all these cases, the problem is not that we feel anger, it is an emotion like all others, the problem is when this anger consumes us if we keep it inside or when we throw this anger outward on others.
It becomes a problem when it occurs frequently, lasts a long time, is very intense, and leads to aggression, verbal or physical.
The consequences of anger on the interior and exterior
Health problems
Following many studies, it has been found that most heart diseases develop in people who often experience emotions of anger.
Somatizing the emotion of anger can also have negative effects on the digestive system.
It affects daily life
By constantly experiencing anger and stress, you will no longer be able to enjoy life and its beautiful moments. You will be constantly dissatisfied or agitated.
Your career is suffering.
Constant anger affects your productivity at work. When you constantly dwell on that emotion, you can no longer think “coolly” and you are no longer as insightful in finding solutions to challenges that arise in the workplace.
Loneliness
Just as you want the people around you to provide you with a calm and relaxing environment in which to recover, they also want the same, does it make sense to you? If you offer your loved ones only conflicts and tension, they in turn will develop anxiety around you and at some point they will say stop and withdraw from your life to live in peace.
How can you manage anger?
Managing anger can be a challenge, but there are several techniques and strategies that can help you control your emotions and react in a constructive way. I will offer you some suggestions on how you can manage anger:
Recognize anger
- Try to become aware of when you start to feel anger. Notice the physical signs (such as muscle tension, rapid breathing, etc.) and emotional ones. Recognizing the emotion is the first step to managing it.
Breathe deeply.
- Deep breathing can help calm your nervous system. Take a deep breath through your nose, count to four, hold your breath for a few seconds, then slowly exhale through your mouth. Repeat a few times until you feel calmer.
Take a break.
- If you feel your anger getting out of control, step away from the situation. Taking a few minutes to calm down can give you time to think more rationally.
Think before you speak.
- Before you react, take a moment to think about what you want to say. Avoid saying things you might regret later. Think about how your words might affect others.
Express your feelings in an assertive way
- Instead of being aggressive or passive-aggressive, try to express your feelings in a clear and direct way. Be specific about what is bothering you and how you would like the issue to be addressed.
Use relaxation techniques
- Meditation, yoga, listening to music, or practicing a relaxing hobby can help reduce overall stress levels and, implicitly, manage anger.
Find constructive solutions
- Instead of focusing on what upset you, think about how you can resolve the issue. Focus on finding a solution that satisfies both parties involved.
Practice empathy
- Try to see the situation from the other person's perspective. This can help reduce anger and find a more understanding approach.
Do exercise
- Physical activity can be an effective way to release tension and anger. A walk, run, or any other form of exercise can help calm the mind and body.
Treatment
It sounds a little stressful when you hear treatment, it is, but it's not the treatment you're thinking of, haha.
Let me clarify a little, you are not crazy!
Maybe some would say so, but it's not a psychiatric problem. With a therapist and a little willpower, you will figure out what this anger wants to show you so that you can resolve it.
It really requires financial involvement and more, but to have a peaceful and harmonious life with your loved ones, I think it's worth the effort.
I was in your situation and I can honestly say it was worth it!
How long do you want to wait until then?
With love,
Muammer
