It is natural and human to want to be in control of our own lives, in fact it is even advisable because those who do not have it can fall into the trap of feeling hopeless or meaningless.
If, absurdly, we did not have this freedom of choice over our own person, over our decisions, we would be just slaves or robots, therefore it is a right, a welcome and healthy need if it manifests itself over ourselves and not over others.
What is the need for control?
The need for control It is a natural human tendency to influence and have a certain amount of power over events, situations, and even one's own life. This need can be seen as a desire to create a sense of security and predictability in an often unpredictable world.
Control is a manifestation of the primary need for safety, physical or emotional.
To better understand what I mean, I'll give you the following example.
You know you're going on a hike in the woods and this check will make you think "what if there are bears or wolves there? I better prepare myself", meaning you'll try to prevent a life-threatening situation.
If you're in the woods and a bear comes, you're definitely going to do whatever it takes to get out of the situation, meaning you're going to want to be in control, you're going to scream, you're going to run, you're going to hide, but you're going to do something. If you didn't have this healthy need for control, you'd probably sit in front of it and say, "Get me," right?
causes the need for control
Abuse of any kind in childhood will cause the future adult to develop hypervigilance for possible future abuse in order to protect themselves from it, and therefore develop an exaggerated need for control as a defense mechanism to feel safe.
The lack of attention, interest or love from parents can cause the child to feel insecure and develop a premature independence to take care of himself and to fulfill his needs, be they physical or emotional. This maturation is beyond his powers and is too much for him. We can also include parentified children in this category.
In this case, these are the children who take care of their parents, either because the adults are unable to work (they are sick or have a disability) or because they are alcoholics.
They take on the role of adult for both themselves and their parents.
The loss of a parent or a close figure, through an accident, death or whether they left and disappeared from the child's life. In such cases, abandonment will set in. In adult life, he will go with the fear of losing more close people and will exercise control over them to prevent a possible departure (abandonment) from the loved one.
Authoritarian and strict parents do not give children the chance to make mistakes or make their own choices, whether they are right or wrong, and the child may feel that they have no control over their own life. In adult life, they will try to compensate for this lack of control, which can easily turn into excessive control.
Permissive parents who do not set limits and do not teach their child to be disciplined will grow up with the idea that everything belongs to them or that they get everything they want, when they want, therefore they will not be able to cope with uncertainty and will want to have everything in their own hands.
High anxiety will cause a person to be constantly concerned about possible future negative events and will cause them to be in control to avoid suffering.
People with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder are characterized by excessive perfectionism, a great need for order and control, and rigidity in thinking and behavior.
If you want to know more about perfectionism and how it affects you, we have an article about it here – https://barbatulsuperior.ro/perfectionismul-ce-este-si-cum-se-dezvolta/
Signs of the need for control
Perfectionism
People with this tendency set very high standards for themselves, which they can rarely achieve. Failure is perceived as a personal catastrophe and can lead to feelings of shame and inadequacy. Every detail must be perfect, which can lead to long work hours and procrastination. Any mistake is magnified and can lead to low self-esteem.
As examples: A student who spends hours completing a project even though the deadline is still far away or a person who puts off starting a new project because of the fear of not doing it perfectly.
Stiffness
Feels more secure when following clear rules and routines. Changes can be perceived as a threat to stability and can cause anxiety. May feel lost and unprepared in unexpected situations. Tends to categorize things as either good or bad, with no shades of gray.
Some examples: An employee who refuses to try a new way of working, even if it is more efficient, or a person who has difficulty relaxing during vacation because they cannot follow the daily routine.
Difficulty delegating tasks
They are afraid that others will make mistakes or misunderstand the task. They underestimate the abilities of others and prefer to do everything themselves. They are afraid that if they delegate tasks, they will lose control of the situation.
Examples: A manager who insists on making all the important decisions, even if he has a competent team, or a person who refuses help from others, even if he needs it.
Pessimistic thinking
They focus on the negative aspects of a situation and ignore the positive ones. They feel the need to control all aspects of their life in order to feel secure. They are too busy thinking about the future to enjoy the present moment.
As examples: A person who constantly worries about losing their job, even if there is no objective reason for it, or a parent who constantly worries about the safety of their child, even if they are in a safe environment.
Basically, a person who postpones making important decisions due to fear of making a mistake.
Manipulation
They use various tactics to get others to behave the way they want. They do not recognize the needs and desires of others. They can be very possessive with their loved ones because they are afraid of losing them.
As examples: An individual who controls their partner through jealousy and possessiveness, a parent who imposes their own dreams and aspirations on their child, or a friend who tries to convince others to think and act like them.
Not receivedany advice or criticism?
He perceives any form of criticism, even constructive, as a threat to his own ego. He does not admit or own up to his mistakes and does not apologize. He justifies his behavior and finds excuses for failures. He does not take responsibility for his own actions.
As examples: An employee who gets angry when their boss gives them negative feedback or a friend who gets upset when you tell them something hurt you.
Basically, a person who refuses to change their behavior, even if it is obvious that it is causing problems.
Social isolation
She prefers to be alone rather than risk being truly known and vulnerable. She fears intimacy and attachment. She spends more time alone than with other people.
As examples: A person who declines invitations to parties or social gatherings or an employee who prefers to work from home rather than in the office.
Basically, a person who has a very small social circle.
The consequences of the need for control
In relationships
People who feel the need to control everything may avoid social situations where they feel unsafe or cannot control interactions. Partners, friends, or colleagues may feel that they are not trustworthy or that they are not capable of making their own decisions. The need to impose their own rules can lead to frequent conflicts with those around them. The fear of losing control can prevent the development of deep and intimate relationships.
Mental health
Constantly worrying about controlling everything can lead to high levels of stress and anxiety. Feelings of exhaustion and helplessness can lead to depression. Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, caused by obsessive thoughts. Physical and emotional exhaustion due to the constant effort to maintain control.
Professional life
People with an excessive need for control may have difficulty collaborating with others. The tendency to follow strict rules can inhibit creative thinking and innovation. Difficulty delegating tasks and accepting feedback can hinder career advancement.
Personal life
Constantly worrying about controlling everything can make a person miss out on pleasant moments and not enjoy life. The need to control emotions can lead to a disconnection from one's own feelings. Change can be perceived as a threat and can cause anxiety.
I would like to give you some pointers to see if you can find yourself and if you need to work on this need for control.
You feel restless or anxious when you have no control over a situation, you are very critical of yourself and others, you have difficulty delegating tasks and asking for help, you focus more on the result than the process, you are rigid and have difficulty accepting change, you tend to worry excessively, you are a perfectionist and have very high standards.
How do we get rid of or cure the need for control?
It's an excellent question and one that many of us would do well to ask ourselves at some point. The need for control can be a barrier to our happiness and relationships, but there are ways to manage and even overcome it.
🌿 1. Understand what lies behind the need for control
The first step is awarenessOften, the need for control comes from:
- Fear of uncertainty – You want to know what will happen so you feel safe.
- Fear of failure – You feel that if you don't control everything, things will go wrong.
- Distrust in others – You think that only you can do things "right".
- Past traumas – If you grew up in an unpredictable environment, you developed the need for control as a defense mechanism.
???? Question for introspection:
❓ What am I trying to avoid through control? If I were to give up control, what am I most afraid would happen?
🧘♀️ 2. Practice acceptance – You can't control everything, but you can control your reaction
The universe works in a mysterious way and many things are beyond your controlWhat you can control is your attitude and reactions.
🔥 How to practice acceptance?
- Repeat the mantra: "I accept what I cannot change and trust the process of life."
- Learn to live in the present. – Often, we try to control the future and forget to enjoy the now.
- Distinguish between what you can control and what you can't. – Ask yourself: “Is this a situation I can influence or should I just let it be?”
✨ Example: Instead of stressing out that someone doesn't reply to your message right away, take a deep breath and remember that their reaction is not under your control.
🌀 3. Embrace vulnerability – You don't always have to have everything under control
The need for control makes us believe that we must be perfect, strong and have answers for everythingBut true power comes from to accept that we are vulnerable and that it's normal to not always know what's coming next.
💜 What can you do?
- Allow yourself to be authentic and imperfect.
- Embrace the idea that you don't need immediate answers.
- Accept that Mistakes are lessons, not failures..
✨ Example: If you feel anxious that a situation is not going according to your plan, remember that some things work out better when you let them unfold naturally.
🌊 4. Let go of rigid expectations – Practice flexibility
When you have an excessive need for control, you probably you have very clear scenarios about how things should beBut life doesn't always work out according to our plan.
🔥 How to become more flexible?
- Accept that there are more than one correct way to do something.
- Instead of saying, "It should be like this," say, "I'm open to possibilities."
- Learn to you adapt instead of getting angry.
✨ Example: If you've organized a date and your friends suggest another place, instead of getting upset that it doesn't turn out the way you wanted, think about the fact that maybe that place will bring a surprisingly beautiful experience.
🌠 5. Confidence – Develops inner security and faith in life
Often, the need for control comes from distrust – whether in yourself, in people, or in life. Start cultivating the confidence that things will go well even without your constant intervention.
(I.e. How to build more confidence?
- Think about times in the past when things worked out. even if you didn't control them.
- Repeat statements like: "The universe is working in my favor."
- Start small – let things flow naturally in a minor situation and notice that everything is fine.
✨ Example: If you tend to obsessively check your email or messages, try to give up this habit for a day and you see that nothing bad happens.
💞 6. Improves relationships – Gives more freedom to others
The need for control can affect relationships because others may feel that you suffocate them, criticize them, or don't trust them.
🔥 How to free yourself?
- Allow others to be themselves, without you constantly correcting them.
- Internship active listening, without trying to provide solutions immediately.
- If you feel like you want to control a loved one, ask yourself: "Am I doing it out of love or fear?"
✨ Example: If you feel the need to give unsolicited advice, stop and ask, "Do you want me to listen to you or do you need some advice?"
🕊️ 7. Cultivate patience and acceptance of the natural rhythm of life
The need for control also comes from impatience – we want everything now, we want quick answers, we want immediate clarity. But life works according to own pace, and sometimes you have to be patient and let things settle themselves.
(I.e. What can you do?
- Practice conscious breathing to calm your mind.
- Learn to have trust in the process – sometimes, good things take time.
- Practice gratitude for what you already have, instead of focusing on what you want to control.
✨ Example: If you are waiting for an important answer, instead of fretting, think: "Things will come in due time."
🔥 Essential steps for healing:
✅ Accept that you can't control everything, but you can control your reactions.
✅ Embrace vulnerability and let yourself go with the flow of life.
✅ Learn to trust people and destiny.
✅ Give freedom to others and you will receive more harmony in relationships.
✨ Do you feel like you have a tendency to control things? Which of these methods do you find most useful? 😊
Conclusion
If you found yourself above, I encourage you to resolve this so you can enjoy the present you live in, and if you need support, support, and guidance in this process, I'm here!
See also: Avoidant Attachment
Do you struggle with the need for control? Write in the comments!
With love,
Muammer!
