One of the hallmarks of a healthy relationship is giving and receiving equally. But what happens when you sacrifice your own thoughts, feelings, time, and “self” for the other person or their needs? When you feel drained, drained, and resentful toward your partner?
I think it's time to take a step back and analyze the situation a bit because all these emotions can often be hard to label, and twice as hard to accept. But, as much as you want to deny it, it's very possible to be in a relationship of codependency.
What is codependency? What does codependency mean?
It's natural to want the best for a loved one and to offer support in their time of need. However, when taken to an extreme, the desire to care for another person can actually become harmful to both you and the other person.
Codependency occurs when a person believes it is their job to "save" another person by meeting all of their needs. A codependent person builds their identity around this goal and assumes a self-sacrificing role in the relationship.
Codependency can take many different forms, depending on the relationship. For example, if you are codependent, you may take on excessive responsibilities at home, or fail to maintain or form other friendships because you constantly need your partner's approval. This unhealthy dynamic is not limited to romantic relationships. You may also have a codependent relationship with a family member or friend.
Codependency can have consequences for both the person in question and their loved one. The relationship has the potential to become one-sided or destructive.
You may feel frustrated, resentful, or stressed as you neglect your own needs while prioritizing your partner's. You may even find yourself tolerating physical, sexual, or emotional abuse. And when the relationship fails or goes through a rough patch, you may experience a loss of self-worth because your identity is so tied to your partner's.
Your partner, on the other hand, may not seek help for their problems, such as substance abuse, gambling addiction, or an eating disorder. Instead, they will become more dependent on you to take care of them. Because of this, people with codependent tendencies often have difficulty maintaining healthy and fulfilling relationships.
What are the main causes of codependency? When and how does codependency occur?
Codependency can often be linked to experiences from your past. From family dynamics, to your relationship with your parents, to your self-esteem, all of these factors can play a role in the types of relationships you form as adults.
Dysfunctional family dynamics
It's very possible that your problem is related to the family dynamics you grew up in, especially if you faced one of these situations:
- Families where self-sacrifice is normal and mandatory. Imagine a situation where a family member suffers from a chronic mental health problem, a physical illness, or an addiction. Other family members sacrifice their own needs to care for the sick person or to protect the addict from the consequences of their behavior. If you grew up in this type of household, you may have been accustomed to placing an excessive emphasis on the needs of others while neglecting your own self-esteem and needs.
- Families where emotional repression is the norm. If you grew up in a family where abusive behavior occurred that was never acknowledged or confronted, you may have developed a habit of ignoring personal problems and keeping your emotional needs to yourself. You may have been conditioned to remain silent even when you are being mistreated or disagree with another person.
Difficulties with self-esteem
Low self-esteem in general can lead to codependent habits. Some codependents report difficulty developing a sense of self-esteem. They allow themselves to be influenced by the opinions of others just to feel liked and accepted, and this also happens in relationships. They will do whatever it takes to receive this validation in return.
If you feel unworthy of love, you may do everything possible to gain approval or to feel wanted, and this may be one of the reasons why you ended up in this type of relationship.
Signs of a codependent personality – How do you know if you are codependent?
The need to solve other people's problems
Someone who is codependent feels like they have to step in and clean up any mess the other person gets into. No matter what the problem is with their partner, the codependent will do everything in their power to fix the culprit's problems.
Offering advice even if it is not asked for
A codependent person often feels like they know what's best in any situation and will offer advice even when it's not asked for.
Poor communication about feelings, wants, or needs
A codependent person has difficulty expressing their own wants and needs. This is because they have likely grown up believing that their needs are not important. In the eyes of the codependent, the only person who matters is the person who needs them.
Difficulty adapting to change
Change creates a situation where things seem out of control, and the codependent personality desperately needs control. Any change can send the codependent person into a state of depression or anxiety that must be treated before they can move on.
Demanding that others do what he/she says
The codependent person felt lost and unable to control things as they grew up, and now they feel that because they are doing what they think is best for the other person, the individual should see this and do what they are told to do. After all, it is obvious that the other person is not making good decisions.
Difficulty making decisions
When a person is out of touch with their own emotions and doesn't feel like they deserve to have their own needs, they can't make decisions. This is especially true if they feel like the decision could influence the love or sympathy of the person they live for.
Codependent traits include not trusting your own thoughts and feelings, so this makes it difficult to know if you are making the right decision, and hesitation is common.
Chronic anger
Many people with codependent traits have underlying chronic anger. The anger may stem from a feeling that past treatment was unfair, but often the anger is directed both at the person the codependent feels responsible for and at themselves. The codependent may feel that they are not strong enough or good enough because the other person is not responding to their efforts to repair themselves. They also feel anger toward the other person because, subconsciously, the codependent feels used.
Struggles with feeling used and underappreciated
A person who is codependent often finds themselves in a situation where the other person does not want extreme attention. They do not want help, they do not want to necessarily be the sole object of another person's life. They will take what is offered, but they rarely give back. The codependent person realizes that this is an unequal relationship and feels used.
They feel unworthy of love.
The codependent person feels unworthy and unloved. They will try to be perfect, give to the point of exhaustion, and try to find ways to make the object of their attention love them. They will do everything in their power to avoid displeasing the other person or to avoid causing conflict.
Lack of trust in oneself or others
In most cases, the codependent person has been let down many times throughout their lives. They learn that people disrespect them and lie to them regularly. They can't rely on people to be there when they need something, so they don't ask.
They cannot trust their own thoughts and feelings because they have only led to pain and disappointment in the past.
Why codependency is unhealthy
Codependency may not be a physical illness, but it can make you emotionally ill and stand in the way of your personal and professional growth and development. It has the potential to drain energy from us and affect relationships other than just your partner.
It can also make those around you sick or stuck and prevent them from taking responsibility for themselves.
Codependency vs. Dependency vs. Interdependence
Being codependent is not the same as being simply addicted. And, in a way, it is essential that these two types of addiction be recognized as distinct.
Dependent personality disorder (DPD) is one of the most commonly diagnosed personality disorders. It causes feelings of helplessness, submissiveness, a need to be cared for, constant reassurance, and an inability to make daily decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others. This personality disorder occurs equally in men and women and usually becomes apparent in adulthood as important relationships with other adults are formed.
Also, being codependent should not be confused with interdependence. Humans are social beings who have always lived in communities and relied on each other for survival. So, there is nothing wrong with needing others, relying on others, and asking for help. Healthy dependency, otherwise known as interdependence, involves a process of giving and asking for each other: both people offer and receive support, encouragement, practical help, and so on. However, in codependent relationships, one person does most of the giving, but they don’t get much in return. This is a recipe for burnout, resentment, and dissatisfaction.
In contrast, interdependence increases self-esteem, mastery, and confidence in individuals, and promotes feelings of love, mutual respect, and a sense of emotional security in relationships. When you are in an interdependent relationship, partners help and encourage each other, making it easier for them to go out into the world and tackle problems, try new things, and overcome their fears. They also allow themselves to be their own separate person, so there is a balance between dependency and independence. In other words, healthy dependency doesn’t hold you back, and it supports you in being the best version of yourself.
Interdependent adults have a strong sense of who they are and feel competent in navigating the world and expressing their needs. They accept help but do not rely on others for their self-esteem. In contrast, a codependent identity is shrouded in a relationship-type identity: they do not know who they are, what they want, or how they feel separate from their partner.
Healing emotional codependency
The good news is that codependency is a learned behavior, which means it can be unlearned. If you love your partner and want to keep the relationship, you need to heal first.
Some healthy steps to heal your codependent relationship include:
- Start being honest with yourself and your partner. Doing things we don't want to do not only wastes our time and energy, but it also creates resentment. Not saying things only hurts us, because then we are living a lie. Be honest in your communication and in expressing your needs and desires!
- Stop negative thinking. Catch yourself when you start thinking negatively. If you start to think that you deserve to be treated badly, change your thoughts. Be positive and raise your expectations!
- Don't take things personally. It takes a lot of work for a codependent person to not take things personally, especially when they are in an intimate relationshipAccepting the other person as they are, without trying to fix or change them, is the first step.
- Take breaks. There's nothing wrong with taking a break from your partner. It's healthy to have friends outside of your partnership. Hanging out with friends brings us back to our core, reminding us of who we really are.
- Enter counseling with your partner. A counselor serves as an impartial third party. They can highlight codependent tendencies and actions between the two of you that you may not be aware of. The feedback can provide a starting point and direction. Change cannot happen unless we do everything necessary.
- Set boundaries. Those who struggle with codependency often have trouble with boundaries. We don't know where our needs begin or where the other person's ends. We often feel bad when we don't put the other person first.
Conclusion
Codependency comes from emotional gaps you have in relation to your parents, more precisely with your childhood. These things can be solved through beneficial and productive guidance. If you don't know how to solve this you can enter the Masculinity School course and have many benefits.
Frequent asked questions (FAQs)
Q: What causes a person to be codependent?
A person may be codependent due to certain past traumas such as: family dynamics, relationship with parents, and lack of self-esteem.
Q: What is the difference between a healthy relationship and a codependent relationship?
The difference between the two is that codependency is an unequal partnership that places one person above the other, while interdependence requires both people to be able to function autonomously. In healthy relationships, couples will feel closely attached and interconnected, but still able to make their own decisions.
