These days, there are a lot of different types of relationships you can choose to have, and this can lead to some confusing situations that can lead to disappointment and heartbreak. One example is the friends with benefits type of relationship.
And no, I'm not saying that it's a bad thing that there's a type of relationship for every type of person. I'm just saying that it can be hard to be open and say exactly what you want, and that can create awkward situations.
To avoid all these things, you need to start analyzing yourself, informing yourself, and figuring out what exactly you want from yourself and those around you. And the first step to that is right here.
What does friends with benefits mean?
A friends-with-benefits relationship is one in which two people casually meet and have sex without any romantic feelings involved and without any long-term commitment between them. Typically, the two people genuinely enjoy spending time together, but are not interested in each other romantically. A situation like this is also usually non-monogamous, meaning that the people involved may also date and have sex with other people.
Every friends with benefits relationship is different. There are no set rules about what they do or don't do together. It all depends on the personal preferences of the two people involved.
The term usually implies that the two people are having sex, but some friends with benefits might simply want to cuddle and share all types of physical intimacy except sex. Some friends with benefits also go on casual dates, watch shows together, sleep over at each other's houses, cuddle, and other things associated with romantic relationships. Other FWBs might prefer to meet up only at night for sex. Some might want to learn about each other's lives and support each other emotionally, just like any other friends, while others might prefer to keep the conversation light and not get too deep into personal intimacy.
The key is for both partners to be on the same page about expectations, feel good about the level of involvement between them, and be comfortable with what is and isn't happening between them.
Some people think that just because you're not making a romantic commitment means you're not obligated to the other person and don't have to care about their well-being. But the truth is, even the most emotionless casual sex still requires kindness and sensitivity for the well-being of whoever you're sleeping with. Regardless of the state of your relationship or how you feel or don't feel about them, there's rarely an excuse to be rude or disrespectful.
Why some people choose to have a relationship with benefits
Having no strings attached, such as a lack of emotional commitment, emotional investment, or both formal and informal obligations of a relationship, can be appealing to people for a variety of reasons. People who have a preference for non-monogamous relationships and those who don't have the time or interest in the emotional effort or time commitment of a traditional relationship may prefer a friends-with-benefits scenario. Similarly, someone who has had negative experiences in previous relationships and isn't ready to open up emotionally can reap the physical benefits of such a relationship without sacrificing their sense of security in a serious relationship.
Another reason would be, for example, people who identify as aromantic or who have no interest in romantic attraction, and a friends with benefits relationship may be perfect for them. Or there are partners who are already in open romantic relationships and are only looking to fulfill their sexual needs.
If you're thinking about entering into a friends with benefits relationship, there are a few key points that will help you determine whether a casual connection is truly beneficial for you, in all respects.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
- What are my needs/wants/expectations in a friends with benefits relationship?
- Will our friendship change if it becomes a friends with benefits relationship?
- How can I feel if my relationship with my boyfriend changes/ends?
- How can I feel if my boyfriend starts a relationship with someone else?
- How will I take care of myself in a friends-with-benefits relationship (for example, how will I protect myself against sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and unplanned pregnancy (if applicable))?
- How will I talk to my partner(s) about things like sexual health and consent?
10 rules for a successful friendship with benefits
Know yourself
If you really want to pursue a friends with benefits relationship, you need to know yourself first. Are you really capable of keeping it casual without getting emotional?
Are you really interested in a temporary, part-time situation instead of a serious, monogamous relationship?
Are you settling for friends with benefits status when you really want so much more?
Only you can answer these questions. If you are able to consider the relationship as normal and do so respectfully, it is probably okay to continue.
If you are able to communicate well and set healthy boundaries, you shouldn't have too difficult a time managing this type of casual relationship.
Prioritize consent
Even if you agreed to be friends with benefits, that doesn't mean either of you can just show up and expect benefits. Keep consent at the forefront of your mind.
Ask rather than assume. Make plans rather than show up spontaneously. By following a few basic rules of consent, you're more likely to successfully navigate a friends with benefits relationship.
Be clear about the status of the relationship
Don't assume you're in a friends-with-benefits relationship. Clarify the nature of the relationship!
If you don't feel comfortable clarifying the relationship, then you're probably not mature enough to be in one.
Be honest
Don't lie!
If you're casual, you should be comfortable admitting that you're seeing other people or telling your partner that you're just not interested in fulfilling the benefits aspect of the relationship at some point.
You will never protect someone's feelings by lying to them. You also don't lie to yourself. If you really have big feelings for your friend, don't tell yourself that you are capable of such a relationship.
If you do, you will head straight for suffering.
Set expectations to a friend with benefits
A friends with benefits relationship requires setting expectations. How often will you go out? What are the rules when you go out together in public?
Can you take selfies together and post them online, or is that something you don't want public?
Talking about it will help you get on the same page and avoid the potential for miscommunication and hurt feelings. Be honest about what you want!
Be true friends
This should actually be one of the main rules. You need a foundation of real friendship to be friends with benefits.
If you're going to add the element of friendship, act like a friend.
In other words, don't treat them any differently than you would any other friend. Don't disrespect their time, thoughts, or feelings just because you're not in a romantic relationship.
Treat them with the respect, kindness, and compassion you would treat any other friend.
Communicate often
The friends with benefits relationship is likely temporary. Make sure you communicate as things change.
If you start dating someone you think you could get serious with, let them know so they understand why you might not want to continue the benefits side of the relationship.
When you're ready to end the relationship, be clear about that as well. Effective communication is difficult.
Even when you're not meant to have romantic feelings, it can still be painful to hear that someone is moving on when you're enjoying the relationship — and painful to be the one who has to move on.
Be safe.
Even if you choose a monogamous friends-with-benefits relationship where you don't sleep with anyone else, practice safe sex.
Even though you might want to believe that the other person was completely upfront about their health history and current status, it's better to be safe than sorry.
You'll have a better chance of avoiding unplanned pregnancies as well as sexually transmitted infections when you take basic precautions.
Discuss the contraceptives you are comfortable using and make sure the arrangements for purchasing them seem fair to both parties.
If you know that the benefits side of the relationship is likely to happen at any time, it's important to have contraceptive methods available to be safe.
Don't be jealous.
You know you're not supposed to catch feelings... so why are you jealous when they start dating someone else? People are complicated.
Even if you're happy with the relationship, you might resent the loss of connection, affection, and sexual benefits when your significant other chooses to move on with someone else.
Remember: jealousy has no place in a friends with benefits relationship. You want your friend to be happy, right? You want them to find the relationship they truly want, right?
Then, be happy for him, even if it changes his relationship with you.
Choose wisely
When choosing a partner with benefits, choose wisely. If someone is indiscreet about their other lovers, they are likely to be just as indiscreet about you.
Make sure you choose a partner who is mature enough for the casual relationship you want and capable of respecting boundaries.
Also, other basic rules when it comes to choosing partners include avoiding choosing someone you actually want to be in a serious relationship with. If you already have feelings, you know it's way too late to avoid them.
Don't settle and choose someone you know has romantic feelings for you. This won't end well.
When it is recommended to avoid a friendship with benefits
It is recommended to avoid a friends with benefits relationship if:
- Your current partner wants your serious relationship to turn into one with benefits only.
- You have feelings for the potential partner with benefits.
- The potential partner with benefits has feelings for you
- Are you in love with someone else?
- He is in love with someone else.
- You are a person who gets attached to people very quickly.
- You are a jealous person.
- He is a jealous person.
- You are a person who needs a lot of attention.
- He is a person who needs a lot of attention.
Conclusion
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Frequently asked questions and answers
Q: Is it a good idea to have a friend with benefits?
If you feel like this is what you want and you know you can take on all aspects of a friends with benefits relationship, then yes.
Q: Do friends with benefits talk daily?
Every friends with benefits relationship is different, and this aspect depends a lot on the two partners.
